Short n' Sweet

I saw a girl on my TikTok For You Page this morning. Just a regular girl who seemed around my age, maybe a little older (for the girls that get it, it was one of those videos where it says "(yellow font btw)"). The caption said, "The slow realisation that I might not fulfil my true potential because I have sm social anxiety." Now, words like anxiety get used pretty loosely online, and obviously I have no idea whether this girl was talking about genuine social anxiety or just the painfully familiar experience of caring way too much about how you're perceived. So, for the sake of this, I'm talking about the latter: fear of judgement, overthinking, self criticism, needing to control how other people see you, the crème de la crème of being a young woman in 2026.

And before this sounds like I'm sitting here judging this random girl on TikTok, I am quite literally talking about myself too. I think there are a million reasons women become so hyperaware of themselves and so afraid of being perceived incorrectly, but these were the first few that came to mind.

1. We live among everyone else's highlight reels.

This is probably the most obvious one. We have a never ending influx of everybody's best moments, best angles, best outfits, best holidays, best relationships and best versions of themselves directly in our faces all day. It's the same way you flick through the 100 photos your friend took of you and find one you like, maybe two if you're lucky, except somehow when everybody else does exactly the same thing we forget that there were 98 other photos. Also, you know, people edit their photos. There's lighting. Angles. Filters. Carefully selected moments.

And my personal favourite, which we somehow relearn every six months: hey! Things aren't always as they seem! That #goals couple has issues. That girls' trip probably wasn't as perfect as the photo dump made it look. Maybe they had the best week of their lives, or maybe two of them had a friendship altering argument at dinner and then posted "my girls foreverrrr" three hours later. You'd think I'm being pessimistic, but genuinely, think about how many things have happened in your own life, relationships and friendship groups that never made it to the gram. We know our own lives in full context and everybody else's through selected evidence, then somehow wonder why ours occasionally feels lacking in comparison.

2. We are way too self obsessed.

I mean this affectionately because I am absolutely guilty of it, but there is something almost narcissistic about how much time we spend imagining everybody else thinking about us. I used to think confidence would eventually mean reaching this magical point where you genuinely stop caring what anybody thinks, but I don't really believe that anymore. Most people care to some extent, and honestly, people will judge you sometimes. Someone might think what you posted was cringe. Someone might think you're trying too hard. Someone might hate your outfit, misunderstand you, talk about you for five minutes in a group chat, whatever.

But then what? That person goes home and thinks about their own life.

We massively overestimate how long we occupy other people's minds because we experience ourselves as the main character of our own lives and unconsciously assume we have a much larger role in everybody else's. Most judgement is fleeting, and even when it isn't, I'm beginning to question why somebody else having an opinion should hold enough power to change what you actually do with my life. How many decisions are we making for an imaginary audience that barely even bought a ticket?

3. We have become terrible at tolerating embarrassment.

This is where I'm going to sound harsh, but bear with me.

I think some of us have become so accustomed to monitoring ourselves that ordinary social discomfort starts feeling like an actual threat. Being cringe. Looking like you care too much. Posting something that doesn't perform well. Trying something publicly and failing. Admitting you really want something and then potentially not getting it. Being enthusiastic about something other people might think is lame. Obviously those things can feel uncomfortable, and for someone dealing with genuine anxiety they can feel considerably bigger than I'm describing here. But I still think there's something strange about the amount of power we've handed embarrassment. Do you think the single mum working three jobs to feed her kids is curating a "Life Lately" like her whole world depends on it? There are people our age dealing with grief, caring for family, trying to pay rent, keeping businesses afloat, and meanwhile some of us can lose an entire afternoon because we're worried someone might think we're trying too hard. I'm not saying one person's problems cancel out another's, but sometimes I genuinely think we need perspective. Sometimes a little perspective makes you realise how low the actual stakes are.

Someone thinking you "tried too hard" does not materially alter your life. Posting something and getting less attention than you hoped does not materially alter your life. Wearing something and later deciding you looked stupid does not materially alter your life. Yet we are willing to let the possibility of those things stop us from doing things we actually want to do. At some point you have to ask whether avoiding five minutes of embarrassment is worth repeatedly sacrificing experiences, opportunities and versions of yourself you might have actually loved.

4. There is A LOT of money in making women feel like they aren't quite enough yet.

I don't think there is some evil man sitting in a boardroom plotting female insecurity, but there are enormous industries that function considerably better when women remain just dissatisfied enough to keep buying. Buy the new trend. Change your aesthetic. Your skincare routine suddenly needs six steps. That thing everyone was obsessed with six months ago? Embarrassing now. Everyone has it anyway, so obviously you need the next thing because the influencer on your FYP is "literally so obsessed" and you MUST "run, don't walk!" The cycle never really ends because "enough" is commercially inconvenient.

And I think living inside that constant stream of improvement, comparison and reinvention has to influence the way we see ourselves. There is always another version of you available to purchase, another way you could apparently look better, dress better, live better, organise your house better, eat better, date better, somehow even drink water better. Eventually I think that seeps into something deeper than consumption. You start feeling like you are permanently in beta, always one purchase, habit, haircut, relationship or reinvention away from finally arriving at the version of yourself you're allowed to be confident in.

5. And respectfully, some of this is woman on woman crime.

Women can be extremely judgemental and analytical of each other, and I think part of the reason so many of us are terrified of judgement is because, unfortunately, we know exactly how it goes

We've heard the conversations. We've been in the group chats. We've dissected who posted what, who's trying too hard, who changed, who thinks she is too good for everyone now, whose boyfriend is ugly, who suddenly has a podcast despite "literally nobody asking." Then we turn around and become terrified that somebody else is doing exactly the same thing to us. It's a never ending cycle, and maybe part of breaking it means being a little more conscious of how easily we punish other women for being visible. The girl starting a business, posting content to 200 followers, dressing differently, openly wanting marriage, openly not wanting marriage, being ambitious, being earnest, being excited, posting the long caption even though apparently caring about things is embarrassing now. If we're all terrified of being the girl another group of girls rolls their eyes at, eventually everybody just learns to make themselves smaller.

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These points obviously aren't perfect and there are about 500 other factors at play, but I do think they all contribute to this strange culture where so many women are terrified of fully being themselves. And the craziest part is that when you think about the women you admire, whether they built something, created something, succeeded in their field, lived differently, or simply seemed incredibly comfortable in who they were, at some point their desire to have the life they wanted had to outweigh their desire to be universally approved of. Someone thought they were annoying. Someone thought they were delusional. Someone probably thought they were trying too hard. Thank God they did it anyway.

Now, the reason I wrote all of this is definitely not because I am the wise sage of self confidence and belief. As a matter of fact, I have spent an EMBARRASSING amount of time and energy squeezing myself into boxes to avoid judgement, thinking about what somebody might say, trying to control how I'm perceived and, worst of all, not doing things I genuinely wanted to do because I was scared of what people would think. I never wanted to ruin my rep, my image, whatever version of me I thought I had sold to the world. I play the nonchalant real well but I'm probably the most chalant mf you'll ever meet.

Which is why that random TikTok this morning got to me.

I looked at this girl saying she was slowly realising she might not fulfil her potential because of how socially anxious and self conscious she is, and my immediate thought was, I genuinely could not give a fuck what this girl does with her life. I don't remember her name. I don't remember her outfit. I couldn't tell you how many likes the video had.

And yeah, maybe there are people in her hometown who are judgemental or weird about whatever she wants to do, but even they probably care considerably less than she imagines they do. Meanwhile, she could be somewhere right now ruminating over what those people might think and halving the quality of her own life because of it. And something about seeing it happen to a complete stranger made me realise how ridiculous it would be to do the same thing to myself. Because imagine spending your one life constantly editing yourself for people who are barely paying attention. Imagine getting to the end of it and realising you never reached for something you wanted, never trusted an instinct, never posted the thing, never admitted what you cared about, never let yourself be enthusiastic, never took the risk, all because somebody might have had a fleeting opinion about you.

And honestly, they might have.

They might judge you.
They might not get it.
They might think you're cringe.

But another thing I've realised lately is that not everyone gets the vibes!! And that's okay!! Because there are so many people who do!! And you won't ever reach those people if you spend your whole life making yourself palatable to the ones who don't. I think this is the part we forget when we talk about "being yourself." When you constantly edit yourself to avoid rejection, you also prevent recognition. The girl who would have seen something you posted and thought wait, me too! never gets to see it. The people who would have loved the most enthusiastic, weird, earnest or ambitious version of you never meet her because you removed those parts before they had the chance. There are probably versions of our lives that we will never experience if we keep making decisions based on how they'll look from the outside. So maybe the goal isn't to somehow wake up tomorrow and stop caring altogether. I certainly won't. Maybe you care what they think and do it anyway. Post it while wondering if somebody will cringe. Apply while feeling underqualified. Wear the thing. Admit you want something. Let yourself be caught trying. Let someone misunderstand you without immediately scrambling to correct their perception. Make a mistake, learn from it and move on.

And every now and then, before making yourself smaller, ask yourself whether the decision you're about to make is actually yours or whether you're trying to control how somebody else will perceive it. I know which one has cost me more so far.

We, you and me, will hopefully realise before it's too late that nobody is more critical of us than we are, and that our time would probably be better spent trusting ourselves a little more, making mistakes, learning, doing good, being kind, judging other people less and refusing to let insecurity have the deciding vote.

And because apparently every life lesson can be tied back to the true wise sage, Dr. Seuss: "Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You." And, as the saying goes,

"Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

Anyway.

LOVE U BYE XX